Fucktard would make up some rules…

Hello my fellow haters of fucktards and lovers of all that is righteous.  I’ve only lived in Korea for three years, so I don’t know anything about anything really.  I’ve never been the type to assume that he is a grizzled veteran, taking the local scene in and spitting it back out after only five minutes…but I know someone who is that type.  His name is Kyle Burton, and he is the kind of fucktard who would make up some rules.  See, Kyle has written an article for CNNgo (whatever the fuck that is) titled “12 rules for expat life in Korea”.  Yeah.  It’s here. Now, writing an article doesn’t make Kyle a fucktard, rather, it’s the contents of the article that make Kyle a fucktard.  Let’s have a look at these ‘rules’.

1. Learn to drink like a fish

Your work contract might say 9-5 but you forgot to read the fine print. Birthday parties, staff dinners and other work functions will keep you going late into the night. Just remember that in the South Korean workplace, an invitation is an obligation.

What a load of old piss that is.  From my humble experience, it is not the people who work from 9-5 that hit the piss every night, it’s the people who work from 2-9 or some such.  I also take umbrage with the ‘an invitation is an obligation’ line!  What a crock of shit!  Anyone who has been here for more than a month kens how to turn down an invitation without offending people!

2. Try not to get ‘celebrified’

Just because you get cat calls on the street from students who are surprised to see a foreigner does not mean you are famous. There might be a certain novelty to being a visible minority here, but try not to let it get to your head.

Cat calls on the street?  Students surprised to see a foreigner?  Yet, in his opening paragraph he says that you’ve ‘just moved to Seoul’?  Where in Seoul does any student ‘cat call’ at the sight of a foreigner on the street?  I call extreme bullshit on this one.

3. Bring your own clothing

 If you have broad shoulders, big feet, a big chest or a big anything, forget looking for something that fits in Korea because you probably won’t find it without a hunt. And don’t trick yourself into thinking you can pull off Korean style because you definitely can’t (this isn’t a challenge).

Even a fucked up clock is right twice a day.  Good tip.  I’ve seen people go too far down the Korean fashion route (by people I mean men in this instance) and end up being halfway between where they’re from and where they are…and looking kind of naff in both places.  It’s heartbreaking.

4. Learn to dance K-Pop

It doesn’t matter how straight you are, your pre-pubescent love for boy or girl pop groups (remember the Spice Girls and N’Sync?) will come rushing back with the hottest sounds from 2 p.m. and Big Bang to The Wondergirls and Girls Generation. And don’t feel ashamed that you know all the dance moves; your Korean friends will love it.

What the fuck?  This is a terrible piece of advice.  It’s extremely rare that you will be in any situation that allows you to show off your amazing dance moves…so don’t waste your time learning to dance like a nutjob.  I love the way he says the ‘hottest sounds’ and lists ‘The Wondergirls’.  Nothing wrong with the Wondergirls, but it’s been a fair while since they were on a list of Korea’s ‘hottest sounds’!

5. Put the gay away

 Korea has its own “don’t ask don’t tell” policy, and although gay rights have come a long way in the last 10 years, there remains a strong prejudice in this uber-conservative society. So, if you are one of the many queer expats in South Korea, keep your homo on the hill.

It’s actually extremely difficult for someone to come across as ‘uber-politically correct’ and homophobic in just two sentences…but for a fucktard…such duplicity is easy!

6. Buy good face cream

I’m not sure if it’s the pollution, the stress, or the water, but living in Korea will age you, and your pimples and wrinkles will battle it out to see who can destroy your face the quickest. No wonder there’s a cosmetic surgery shop on every corner.

What the fuck is ‘face cream’?  This has to be the lamest advice I’ve ever heard….what a crock of shit!  I don’t use face cream…my face does look like an old leather bag…but I don’t use face cream.  I don’t even know where to go with this…except to say that the comment about ‘cosmetic surgey shops on every corner’ is a pathetic and snippy comment.  What a load of shit!

7. Embrace your inner diva

 The best night out is one that involves a visit to a nore-bang or “singing room,” where you and a few friends can rent a private room and sing, or rather shout, your favourite pop songs at each other.

This made me cringe and vomit in my own mouth a little.  Nore-bang!  It reminds me of this fucktard that I met on one of my first nights here who was being all superior and wanky and explaining the hangul symbols for “singing room”…but who pronounced ‘norae’ as ‘nore’.  I didn’t realise that he was so cuntingly wrong for another week or two.

8. Don’t tip

The first time this happened, I was chased down the street by a waiter who thought I overpaid him. Taxi drivers, hairdressers, and waiters don’t expect a tip, so save some extra cash for those long nights out.

Now, this ‘anecdote’ about the Korean chasing the person who gave them a tip is one that I’ve heard about 6,000 times.  Does it ever really happen?  Maybe.  Not to me.  I’ve tipped cab drivers, they always appreciate the tip, and they’re usually good…especially compared with cab drivers back home.  I reckon Kyle’s story is a minor urban legend that he’s thrown himself into the middle of.

9. Don’t have a coffee addiction

Koreans brew a pot of coffee with a teaspoon of grinds, so you will end up drinking six cups just to get a small buzz. And it’s not cheap — a regular cup of java can cost up to three times more than what you’d pay back home. If you are desperate, try the popular instant coffee sticks.

Yeah.  Here’s our coffee expert Kyle.  He reckons the coffee isn’t good enough, but he recommends the ‘instant coffee sticks.’ What a fucktard.  Only a true fucktard would claim that you can’t find a decent coffee in Korea!  Where were you getting your coffees Kyle?  I know a tonne of places in Korea where a man can get a good strong cup of coffee!  I know just as many where a woman can get a good strong cup of coffee as well!

10. Take pictures of your food

It’s okay to lug around your DSLR camera to snap pictures of your favourite Korean dishes from steaming kimchi soup and barbecued meat to a cup of tea or rice cake. Everybody does it and how else are you going to remember what you ate after those seven shots of tequila?

In what country would it not be O.K to take a photograph of the food you’re going to eat?  I’m curious.  Another thing K-Bags, you probably should have said “…seven shots of soju” at the end of the paragraph.  Tequila is from Mexico.  I’ve got a theory, and please, correct if I’m wrong Kyle.  You wrote ‘soju’ but your editor changed it to tequila because they were worried that people wouldn’t know what soju was.  I’m right aren’t I?  Yes.  I’m always right Kyle.

11. Adjust your diet

 Goodbye gluten, hello spice and rice. Your grubbery will complete a 180-degrees spin as you transition into the world of Korean cuisine. Not to worry, as most of the food is healthy and dining out can be pretty cheap. For the incorrigibly Western though there’s a sleuth of international restaurants too.

This is too pretentious and holier than thou for me to touch.  “It’s like nothing you’ve ever had before!  It’s a transition!  I’m amazing!”  You want some spicy food Kyle?  Suck my knob, it’s chilly.  Thanks…here all week…try the fish.

12. Strike an Asian pose

When getting your photo taken, a simple smile is not going to cut it. Make a peace sign with your fingers or a heart with your arms, show your claws or look surprised. The zanier the better!

Wow!  Another essential tip for any expat living in Korea.  “Make a peace sign with your fingers”, I’m honestly not in any way sure how I managed three years here without that advice.  Thanks Kyle.  You’re a champ.

Now, my real problem with all of the tosh above is that it’s just useless, fetishised, plastic, shit.  Do you want some real tips on getting by in Korea?  Yeah?  Here’s a few.  Learn a little Korean, so that you can understand shit.  Learn about Korean history, so that you can understand shit.  Be patient and un-cunty.  Treat people with respect.  Avoid fights and Americans.  If you can manage all of that (only kidding about the Americans…they’re alright) then you’ll be fine…and if you can’t…you’ll probably still be fine…you’re not moving to fucking Mars!

Kyle.  Fucktard.

Posted by Burndog (Dave is on vacation this week).